My biggest online dating mistake
He seemed perfectly nice when we met up for a hike on our first date in Toronto’s Hyde Park. Nice enough, that the first date led to a second — dinner at a restaurant in my hometown of Hamilton, Ontario. I agreed to dinner at his place for our third date.
And that was a mistake.
He mixed a fancy cocktail, stirred up risotto and barbecued salmon on the balcony of his Toronto apartment. We sat outside, took in the view of the city, ate dinner and then watched a comedy special. The night ended with a small kiss. He wanted me to stay, but I realized I wasn’t interested.
I sent him a text the next morning, using my usual line: “You seem like a nice guy, but I just didn’t feel the connection I was looking for.”
And that was the end of it. I never saw him again — until I spotted his photo in a newspaper a few weeks ago under the headline, “Toronto man accused of sexual assault, secretly filming attack.”
“Cops allege the victim entered the apartment of the accused and, once inside, the accused sexually assaulted the victim and recorded it on a hidden camera,” read the story.
He had been charged with sexual assault, voyeurism and publishing intimate images without consent. The story said police believed there could be more victims and there was a number to call.
My first thought? That could have been me. My second? How could my judgment be so off? He seemed so normal. My third? How stupid was I to go to a guy’s place after just two dates?
I was lucky and it appeared some other woman was extremely unlucky. It made me feel sick inside.
It’s an understatement to say there’s a dark side to online dating.
Not only could you meet up with someone dangerous, but there’s also the chance of being catfished. Consider that more than 1,000 lovelorn Canadians lost $60 million to online romance scams last year.
People also lie about their age online. Worse, they lie about their relationship status. It’s estimated that 10 percent of online daters are married. (Here’s a tip: If a guy is shielding his face with sunglasses and a baseball cap, you can bet he’s hitched).
Don’t even get me started on ghosting.
And yet, despite the risks, the search for love persists. Having a loving partner is one of life’s greatest joys. It’s what most of us want. Not everyone though. I know some women who are perfectly content to live life solo. They are done with men, often because they’ve been hurt by them. Sometimes I wish I could be more like them, less dependent on one another for a good chunk of my happiness.
When my ex and I split five years ago we joked that he had a casserole brigade of women at his doorstep. He was invited to dinner parties in the neighbourhood by people who wanted to set him up with a friend or relative. I, alas, received no such invites. There were no men cozying up to me with comfort food.
If I hoped to find love again, I’d have to seek it out in cyberspace.
I spent about a year on various dating sites (Match, OkCupid, Facebook Dating, and, finally Tinder). I met about 20 guys for short walks and coffees. I got good at it. I spent time crafting a bio, learned how to quickly get to the first date instead of engaging in endless texting, did not respond to anyone who sent lame messages (“Hi, sweet lady”), quickly moved on if I wasn’t interested (“You seem like a nice guy but…”), tried not to take it personally if the guy wasn’t interested in me and worked at maintaining my optimism.
I made mistakes though. Like going to that guy’s apartment.
Online dating isn’t easy for anyone, but older women have the toughest time. Most guys their age want to date younger women. The older women get the pickier we get and sometimes the pickings seem very slim. Sometimes the dating pool appears to be filled with guys with fish pics.
I persisted and I got lucky.
Amit had spent a couple of years on the dating sites after his long-term marriage ended. “It was like being a kid in a candy store,” he says of his time online. (Says no woman ever.)
Online dating is different for older women than it is for older men. For one thing, we need to learn how to stay safe, such as not going to a guy’s place until we really know him. We need to be savvy about our strategies for meeting the right kind of men, learning how to get to the first date as soon as possible, and knowing the red flags to look out for. We need to keep our confidence up and maybe even find support in the form of dating coaching. (Amit and I took everything we learned in our combined four years of online dating and now lead workshops for women over 50 – teaching them how to stay safe, avoid getting scammed, how to boost their confidence in the online world, and increase their chances of meeting someone great.)
There are risks with online dating for sure, but there are also rewards. Don’t let anyone tell you you’d have to be desperate to go online. Wanting love and affection and a supportive partner isn’t desperate, it’s human.
It’s never too late to meet someone great. Just ask Audrey Coutts, a retired insurance broker in White Rock, B.C. who was 79 years old when she met and married Jim Adams, a 78-year-old retired professor after meeting him on Silver Singles during the pandemic.
Their love story went viral, giving hope to older single gals everywhere.
We’d love for you to join us in our next How To Meet a Man Online Zoom workshop for women over 50 on Wednesday, Sept. 20 from 5-7 p.m. EST (We also have a workshop scheduled for Wednesday, Nov. 22 at the same time.)
If you’re new to online dating, not sure if you are ready to make the leap or if you have experience online but aren’t having any luck meeting the right people, this workshop is for you. The workshop is only $99 + GST with a money-back guarantee if you aren’t 100% satisfied.
